How to be a Great Conversationalist

 We've all likely experienced both awkward silences in conversation as well as listening to someone who talks incessantly with stop.  Being a good conversationalist requires learning a variety of skills and practicing them in different situations. Some people are more energized by talking and mingling in large groups while others prefer one-one conversations. Regardless of your experience or comfort with conversation, there are some basic guidelines to help us develop or improve our conversation skills.

Have you ever heard someone say "Oh, they're just talking!" as if casual talk is a benign exercise? Actually, talk is very powerful and as we talk about our experiences and listen to those of others, we can make sense of our experience, clarify decisions we face and feel a greater sense of connection. Given the power of talk, we need to respect it and work to have our conversations be constructive rather than destructive. So, what might help make this happen?

Open-ended questions invite conversation. Beginning with words such as "how", "what", "where", "who", these questions are an excellent way to help when conversation gets stuck or when you are meeting someone for the first time. "How do you know Chris?" or "What did you do this summer?" The trick when asked an open ended question is to respond but not get caught in going on and on ... blah, blah, blah.  So when asked an open ended question, give a specific answer and then ask an open ended question. "Chris and I play on the same inter-mural basketball team. What's your connection?"

Once the conversation gets going, don't interrupt. Bright people are often the biggest interrupters I know. Anticipating where the conversation is going or having a scintillating insight to add, they can easily leap in and interrupt the other person mid-sentence. If you are prone to interrupt, take a deep breath and slow down. Remember that conversation is about getting to know someone or learn about something of interest - it is not a competition to show who knows the most about the topic at hand. Showing interest in what the other person is saying will help them feel important to you and build a great connection!

Now, sometimes you might have the experience of being ‘caught' in a conversation where someone is going on and on and on. You don't want to interrupt, yet you are ready to move on. Find or create a pause in the conversation and say "I need to get back to studying." or "I'd love to chat more when I have more time." Sometimes people talk quickly without end due to their own anxiousness or self-pre-occupation. In either case, it fine to listen for awhile and then excuse your self and move on.

Finally, if you find it difficult to talk with other people, start by trying the above suggestions while doing an activity. I remember being more comfortable talking with my father when we were driving in the car or doing yard work together. Sometimes adding activity to conversation helps things flow more smoothly or gives you something to talk about.

Check out the website further for other resources about communication and conversation. If you would like further support in improving your conversation skills, consider visiting the Wellness Centre. A counsellor, chaplain or physician might be a great person with whom to strike up a conversation!!

Ann Laverty, Ph.D., R. Psych.  2007